“Rather than wandering around in problem-solving mode all day, thinking mainly of what you want to fix about yourself or your life, you can pause for a few moments throughout the day to marvel at what’s not broken.” – Kristin Neff, from her book Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself

We all have moments when our confidence feels shaken, when we aren’t sure we’re up for what’s next, when we question that we have the skills to lead in ways our work and daily lives need us to. In other words, we don’t feel competent or we forget that we actually are. This might show up as imposter syndrome, self-doubt, or an unkind comparing of ourselves to others. It’s part of being human to at some point feel your inner trust and confidence waver.

So what do we do?

We practice courage in our relationship with our selves to remember the strengths and abilities we have. It takes courage to pause and be honest with ourselves when these tough feelings and fears show up. It takes courage to engage in an inner self-talk that is kind and compassionate. When we give ourselves the gift of kindness, we can be in dialogue with the shaken confidence and self-doubt within and see a way forward back to competence.

Here’s a practical example of how I do this.

I’ve been hosting creative mindfulness retreats for almost 20 years. During our time together, I guide 10-30 people through a long weekend of connection with one another, creative practices like writing, journaling, paintings, photography, etc, and time spent in self-reflection. Participants leave these weekends with ideas to help them integrate more creativity and mindfulness in their lives. But even more importantly they often leave with new insights about who they are and what they want their lives to look like as they commit to making small but mighty shifts in their lives to increase their joy and self-compassion. They also often leave with deep friendships with people they didn’t know before gathering.

In order to help facilitate this, I need to remain centered, calm, compassionate, and able to listen. Throughout the retreat, I must keep in touch with the strengths, competence, and experience I have to do this work I love.

There are a few practices that help me do this, and one is writing myself a letter each morning during the retreat. This letter becomes a pep talk, a safe place to put down concerns, a landing spot for feelings and hopes.

I start this letter with something like, “Dear one, I see you over there worried about….” or “Look at you living this dream you love. I’m so proud of the way you…” or “Okay, so I have three minutes and I want to remind you that you…” This letter becomes a place just for me during an experience when I’m giving a lot of myself to others to help them get to know themselves. Sometimes before I begin writing, I will close my eyes and ask myself what feels hard going into the day. I will identify it and then my letter will be a pep talk about that challenge.

If you’re new to the idea of literally being in conversation with yourself like this, it’s okay if it feels hard or even cheesy. Yet, I invite you to try it anyway because we know that practicing self-compassion helps us have the inner resilience to navigate moments of self-doubt.

Get out a piece of paper and just start writing. You can even imagine that the wise one inside you is writing to someone else who needs a pep talk. Give yourself the gift of self-kindness so you can move through self-doubt and remember that you have all that you need inside you to take the next step.